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My Diary since being diagnosed

1997 - 2002

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September 2000

I found out in December that my C.E.A count was rising again, pointing to the presence of another tumor or tumors.  In January and February I underwent more scans and x-rays and in May I was informed that there are three new tumors in my lungs (bi-lateral, being in both) and that additional chemotherapy would by required.

It is now the 7th of September, I began my new course of chemotherapy about 6 weeks ago (end of July).  I receive the chemo every day, seven days a week via a Hickman line that has been inserted into my chest and travels all the way to my heart. this delivers the chemo by a gravity fed infusion bottle which I carry on a belt at my waist.  

I have another 6 weeks to go making 12 in all, after which I will be scanned again and to reassess the tumors, they also plan to recheck my liver due to the high risk of re-occurrence in this type of case.

The side effects were quite sever at first, but after a couple of weeks the dosage was reduced and now the effects are not to bad, I do get tired and occasionally feel sick but the worst side effect is the depression, I quite often succumb and at times wonder why I should bother to keep going, why keep fighting.

Then I realise how silly I am to think like that and I take a deep breath count to ten and begin again.  

The one thought I hang onto is I am still alive and even through the dark days when I feel totally alone, isolated and fighting a losing battle, deep down from somewhere within I still find that little spark that spurs me on.

I can't give into the dark days I just try to find ways to work through them.  One way that works for me is to get angry, with myself, with the medical profession, with the world.

I let this anger out by doing housework or the garden.  There's nothing like ripping weeds out for venting ones anger and aggression, the elderly gentleman next door now keeps well out of my way just in case I try to weed him, God knows he could use it!

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Last modified: February 18, 2003